It's been a while since I have written to you

It's been a while since I have written to you.

I have to admit hitting 30 I thought it would be easier than it has been. The sharp hard learning curb of someone who did not return my love even if they did give some effort to try. No one should ever have to change to fit with another, to make a relationship work, there has to be work put in. However, sometimes work isn't what it needs, if someone wants someone else nothing will stop them from having it. So my lesson was that even if someone says it is what they want it might actually not be what is true or what they do want, people change granted and that's understandable but when the decision change is on a two week cycle then reality is they probably do not really want it that much.

It's ok to get disappointment from false promises, not that I even wish that person any harm and I am happy they are experiencing happier times, I only wished that they were just as proud of me when they had the opportunity to spend time with me, which clearly they weren't. It wasn't an easy lesson and it very much hurt but I suppose that's what they wanted which is sad but it happens.

I honestly and genuinely wish that person all the best because my love for them was genuine and sincere, it was the hardest thing I have had to do so far. BUT harder life challenges will arise and bizarrely I welcome them. The day I stop learning I will be so very upset because without life challenges like that you aren't really living.

Different people have different values and my peace has finally came because I unraveled all of their misinformation and lies, that wasn't easy to stomach at first but I can't dwell on it for too long because I have a long journey to travel if it's not with them then I have to be grateful for the chance to meet new and more abundantly rich in mind people.

Life experiences are what makes life valuable.

All this said even if some of it is very convoluted in riddles of what I'm getting at, at least I had the opportunity to learn what I really want and value. It is a very important lesson for anyone to achieve before they're of an age where they have life handled.

Work has taken the lead in my life, designing is going exceptionally well for the clients I am working for where some of their websites are even working a little too well.

I have tried to vlog and be forwards but I fear people really only want to see the better side of life as if bad things never happen which they do, I'm a really one for faking it till I make it with happiness because I fear our world has so much negativity and having an injection of "have a good day" can actually be a cure to so many upsetting situations.

What can I take from all of this? Kindness is the best way to find more kindness. People mistake kindness for weakness and I disagree because everyone is going through something, that one act of kindness might be the ONLY kindness they see for months.

I'm not trying to win anything or out smart someone else.

I'm human and I make human mistakes and that person needs to back off because their time is over by their own doing.

My thoughts today basically.

Roxks

Saw a Movie

Saw a movie

Last night we went to the cinema to watch the new Tom Hanks movie, I have to say it was very much of the same as the other nail biting, car chasing like other movies he has starred in, very good, highly polished and exciting.

The highlight of the night out was the food where we grabbed some basic burgers, just tiring because of how I often feel like I need to be "on" all the time spare I behave like a human and my flaws might show. I feel like my time with people can swing from my personal confidence to someone very meek, shy and doing my best not to off kilter them.

The movie was great but sometimes my confidence sucks due to not wanting to put people off. People say to be themselves, but what if being yourself is something that someone doesn't like, it's easy to say that it doesn't matter, but if it's someone you actually want around it becomes difficult to simply ignore them.

No one should change for another but I have trouble with it.

Signed

Roxks

This Week I have been working with Zazzle

This Week I have been working with Zazzle

RoxkStudios mug

What is Zazzle?

Zazzle is a company that allows people to sign up for an account where they can add their designs onto items like mugs, t'shirts and other products where people can earn a commission from each sale.

Why am I doing this?

Well with this year being so turbulent for me, never knowing whats happening next I have found myself picking up a handful of hobbies that I can do to relax with, I love computer gaming usually for this but I have decided that it is better to turn my hobbies into something productive where I can really get some sort of reward from it.

Don't get me wrong I love gaming and find it very satisfying however having stability in my life is something that I am very much craving, creating this store on zazzle has been bringing new light to my life as simple as that might sound.

All I need to do once a day is come up with 3 - 4 ideas for designs that I can create and share with others which is a very calming experience for me. I do miss making art for the sake of art being art without any reason, once upon a time that was my calm place, but that's changed tremendously because of various personal situations.

 

Will I go back to other ways to relax?

Yes I will, because for me this is a stepping stone activity to becoming more productive, for me this is simply an outlet for my creativity which for a while now I have been sourly missing. However coffee is something that strangely is very relaxing for me contrary to everything I get told about coffee, I enjoy it. So why not spend time making coffee mugs once a day just to let out that creative nature that I have.

Signed

Roxks

Today when waiting for the gym

Today when waiting for the gym

How my day began

I was sitting on the driveway bench this morning thinking about all of the things I have managed to do this year, which is a plethora of different adventures, some where terrible experiences that I would not wish on my worse enemy, but then there were so many good wholesome things that have happened to me also.

My run down of this year

My story is long and full of woe. It would be ignorant of me to even attempt to pretend that my life was a sunshine walk in a garden made of gold. If I was midis I might feel happier but then gold never got him very far if you follow that story to it's clinical moral. Sometimes you have to be happy with what you have because wishing for more can leave you empty handed or worse having what you wanted but realizing you didn't want it at all.

This is how I kind of feel for many reasons, I love someone deeply, sometimes they haven't always been fair to me, but granted I am no angel either so I can't exactly say that it wasn't a two person dance the entire time for all of the highs and lows of the relationship which still seems to be on a high even if it is strained due to my appalling finances this year.

My money is on the ground as far as my income is concerned, I wish it were better but with a lack of being able to find steadily paid work it just isn't ticking the magic buttons when it comes to being stable and able to afford all of the nuances of life.

The reality of me getting older

My 30th birthday is coming up and there is a party planned for that event, mostly over seen by my mother who cannot seem to loosen her grip on the reins enough to realize that I am capable but at the same time no one works well as a one person band, you can play 1 instrument very well but doing all of the others will make it a tragic mess at best.

The two cats that I've acquired are gorgeous little kittens but they have an anxiety issue possibly due to them being weened far too young, they are safe, happy, healthy but tend to have issues with being calm, relaxed and calm.

My hopes

If I could put this year into a nutshell, it's been a roller coaster and the ride isn't over just yet but I am creeping rapidly closer to the big three zero and the breaks aren't working.

I just hope that I don't crash in a blaze of tragedy and it's glory that will prevail, time will tell.

Signed

Roxks